Riding home from school the other day, I was telling stories about funny things Sam did when he was a baby and, of course, Lily wanted to know something funny about her.
Back when she was born, you couldn’t teach me anything about how to tend to a baby - I already knew it all. So, despite having never changed a diaper in my life, I wasn’t about to take any advice on how to do it.
Being an expert diaper changer, I reckoned, required nothing more than fathering a child.
It’s a baby, a butt wipe, and diaper.
How freakin’ hard can it be?
One day Lily’s got the gurgles. You know what I’m talking about, right? It’s when a baby has a touch of diarrhea, and they are laying around, gleefully shitting their pants, until poop comes gurgling out the top of their diaper.
On the diaper grossness scale from one to ten, it’s a solid 14.
Or maybe it's a liquid 14.
Either way, upon discovering this situation, I carried her upstairs and put her on the changing table.
Off with the onesie, off with the diaper. Wipe the child down real good, put the wipes in the dirty diaper, roll it up into a neat little ball, and throw it in the trash.
All set and ready for a clean diaper, no problems.
Except I noticed a little bit of diaper rash. So I left Lily laying on the changing table (don’t judge me) and went in search of the diaper cream.
I don’t know how long I was gone, but her insides must have been festering the entire time.
The “touch” of diarrhea and turned into full-blown “liquid poop” diarrhea.
How do I know?
Because the moment I pulled her little legs up and pushed them back towards her belly so I could apply the cream, she let loose with a high-pressure stream of warm brown liquid that sprayed me from my chin down to my belly button.
Quickly, I reached for the diaper to try and cover her rear and stop the flow, but I’d sat it just beyond my reach. With no other choice, I used my free hand to block the poop eruption, which did little more than splatter it back all over Lily’s butt.
Moments before, I had a clean baby ready for a fresh diaper and clean onesie, and now we were both completely covered in shit, and it's dripping from my fingers.
Lily was grinning, but I didn’t think it was so funny.
A more experienced parent would have known better. Looking back, it’s clear that leaving a baby naked who, moments before, had poop gurgling out of their diaper is a bad idea.
I guess, like anything else, expert-level diapering doesn’t come naturally.
It takes a little practice.