The Italian Poop

Y’all seen those new bidets they’re making?

It’s called “The Tushy” and, as a long time fan of a clean rear end, I’m kind of interested in getting one.

It’s a device that attaches to your toilet and then connects to the water supply. After you poo, instead of rolling out some TP, you press a button and your hind quarters are sprayed with a refreshing stream of water.

I’m interested, but I’m skeptical.

And a little bit afraid.

Many years ago I was traveling in Italy and stayed for a night in a very luxurious hotel. Bidets, of course, are more common in Europe and I immedietly noticed the particularly fancy one in the bathroom of my suite when I checked in.

If you’ve never seen a bidet, they kind of look like somebody tried to install sink faucets on top of toilet where the tank goes. Instead of an opening in the bottom, like a toilet has, it has a stopper like bathtub. It’s kind of like somebody tried to take the tub, toilet, and sink and combine them in to one.

bidet.jpg

After spending the day eating and drinking in Rome I arrived back at the hotel and found myself rather pleased that I needed to relieve myself. After taking care of business on the porcelain throne I was ready to move on to the bidet.

That’s when the problems started.

The hotel had not thought to post instructions on the wall. So there was the bidet, but toilet paper had also been supplied. I didn’t know if I was supposed to make a cursory pass with that first or if it was strictly a stand up and move over affair.

For traditions sake, I wiped first, and then stood up to move over.

More problems.

The lack of instructions meant that I didn’t know how to sit on the bidet. Decades of experience with porcelain plumbing fixtures told me that sitting with your back towards the wall was the way to go. But since I couldn’t reach the faucets I figured that couldn’t be right so I stood up, turned around, and sat back down.

That’s when I noticed the shelf on the wall. On it sat a basket full of small bottles of soaps, oils, and perfumes. Like what you would see on the bathroom counter of an American hotel - the little bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and lotion - except these were clearly not meant for your hair. Under the shelf was a bar draped with what looked like cloth napkins.

Hmm. What do I do now? Am I supposed run a little bit of water to wet my butt and then soap up? Or am I supposed to close the stopper, fill the bowl with soapy water, and then somehow dip my butt into it?

Good lord, if only YouTube had been around back then.

I opted to do it the way I would do a bathtub. So I turned the hot water on and let it get warm. Then I closed the stopper and added some soap from one of the little bottles. Turns out, it was really, really concentrated so I suddenly had a full-on bubble bath forming beneath me. The water was crazy hot, too, so I reached for the cold faucet to temper it.

You know how sometimes at a public bathroom you get to the sink to wash your hands and, when you turn it on, the pressure is super high? Then all of the sudden you have water splashed all over your pants because it hits the sink so fast and then sprays out all over you? And then you’re worried that people will think you peed on yourself - this has happened to you too, right?

Well, that’s what happened when I turned on the cold water. The pressure was ten times the hot side and suddenly that bubble bath was spraying up out of the bidet and all over the place.

All over me.

All over the walls.

All over the floor.

Thank god I had opted do this naked!

I got the water turned off and weighed my options. My butt still wasn’t clean and I’m dripping in water that, although isn’t exactly toilet water, doesn’t seem far from it. Obviously in my drenched state toilet paper isn’t going to do me any good so I decided to just get in the shower which was right behind me.

I stood up, took one step back, and immediately slipped on the soapy floor. Falling backwards I hit my head on the cast iron tub and felt a searing pain at the base of my skull.

I’m pretty sure I was knocked out.

I know for sure I laid there for a very long while before finally crawling over the tub and into the shower.

A full hour after it all started I was finally done. Not only was my butt finally clean but so was the rest of me.

The whole thing was a pretty shitty experience, I can tell you that.

Still, I’m interested in those new Tushy bidets.

I just hope they come with instructions.